Fredo Speaks: Socialism Is Bad Except When It's Not

Image
An image of Frederic "Fredo" Trump's head, facing right, set against an American flag background.  Fredo's likeness is Donald Trump Junior's face edited onto Eric Trump's head.

A guest post written by Frederic "Fredo" Trump

Author's Note: Frederic "Fredo" Trump is a fictional character.  Any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is wholly intentional.

My father says it best: America is not and never will be a socialist country.  Except when it is.  And when it's politically expedient.  And when it benefits us Trumps.  Never when it benefits you, though.  That's the bad kind of socialism.

See, trade deficits mean American jobs got taken out of the country, so if we eliminate the trade deficits, that means more jobs will come back here.  It's simple cause and effect.  Now, eliminating trade deficits means putting tariffs on foreign goods that we should be making here at home, which foreign countries will pay for -- like Mexico and the wall.  I honestly can't believe how many people don't understand this simple concept.  You'd think they experienced economic growth under free trade policies or something.

And, of course, if you put tariffs on things to shrink the trade deficit, the other countries are going to retaliate with tariffs of their own.  It's called a trade war.  They're easy.  All you have to do to win is take taxpayer dollars and give it to the industries that are losing money.  People like free money, and as we all know, that's what tax dollars are.  That's the good kind of socialism: the kind that my father believes will get him re-elected.  Which, as Alan Dershowitz so correctly pointed out, is in the national interest, so he can do anything he wants toward that end.

Now, some people are equating this to farm subsidies in failed socialist countries like the Soviet Union, Cuba, Venezuela, Nambia, or Wakanda.  I can assure you, this is not true.  Those countries were run by socialists.  My father is not a socialist, and America will never be a socialist country.  We're just doing this one socialist thing because our totally capitalist policies made it necessary.

The bad kind of socialism is in things like Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, SNAP, and the whole concept of the so-called "social safety net."  It's even right there in the name!  "Social," as in "socialist."  These programs exist only to prop up the lazy disabled and elderly people who just don't want to pull their weight anymore -- or welfare queens, most of whom are... well, not like us.  And by "us," I of course mean we decent, patriotic Americans who believe in this country and know that it takes hard work to get to where people like my father got when his father gave him all his money.

Hey, I understand: people like to be alive.  I get that.  Do I look stupid to you?

The same image of Fredo Trump as used above.

But think of all the chaos and disorder that would result from just cutting all the spending government does on other things.  Think of all the countries we haven't liberated yet.  Think of all the military members who would be forced to come back home to their families.  Think of all the government agencies we'd have to cut back on.  Think of all the federal employees who would have to find jobs in the private sector.  Think of all the nothing that Congress would have to do, as opposed to all the nothing they do now.  It would be madness!

No, that kind of socialism is clearly evil.  Sure, it wasn't always bad.  It was good when it got F.D.R. re-elected.  That was in the national interest.  But now it's bad because the people who vote for my father don't like it -- except when they lose it and realize that they did this to themselves, but that happens after they voted for him, so it doesn't matter.

The long and short of it is this: the Trump family is here for you.  We gave up our lives of luxury in the private sector to live lives of luxury on the backs of you, the American people, and your hard work; and we'll do all we can to ensure that we get richer and you get what you voted for.  That's the America we should all believe in.

*SNORT!* *cough* *sniffle* *HACK!* *cough* *cough* *SNEEZE!*

Well, I held out as long as I could... which was a surprisingly long time, actually.  One of my bosses caught the cold / automatic sinus infection bug about two weeks ago, and I was around him just about every day in all that time.  I only came down with it just this past Sunday, and it didn't really hit me until Tuesday.

As far as colds go, this one is actually rather mild.  I wasn't knocked out by it at all, and most colds do knock me out for a while.  It's the length of the sinus issues that are the problem.  The past few nights have been rather sleepless, and my voice -- while not shot, per sé -- is a bit rough.  Good thing I haven't had any games all week, but Monday's Academy games might strain my vocal cords a bit.

I'm about ready to attach one of these things to a vacuum cleaner and shove it up my nose.

A black plastic nozzle from an air pump.

 

Well, here we are.

I've been saying for years that I need to set up my own personal web site.  I have things that I want to share with the world on my own terms, and this is the best way to do that.

What will you be able to find here?  Oh, all sorts of stuff!  Everything from my personal musings to political ramblings, various projects that I work on in my (extremely limited) spare time, playlists from games and DJ gigs, information necessary to life... things of that nature.  It's hard to describe everything just yet because, honestly, I don't really know what all I want to do with it, myself.  I have ideas and plans for a few things, but who knows?  It may well grow beyond that.  It may not.  We'll find out together.

So, allow me to officially welcome you to my world.  Enjoy your stay.